First of all, damn my metabolism for being so fast that I couldn't gain weight if my life depended on it. Thankfully it doesn't but it's the principle of the thing. I've hated being thin since I was a kid. My state of weightlessness caused me to be insecure about my abilities to stand up for myself, thus causing me to automatically shrivel whenever any sort of backbone was necessary. Now, instead of having a couple of black eyes and a bruise or two, I have the world "Welcome" stamped on my forehead and the markings of a well worn doormat.

In the end of things, it's all my fault. I'm not disciplined enough to eat the way I should. I eat, but most times its stuff thats terrible for me, but oh sooo tasty. Soon, when my metabolism says sayonara the joke will be on me. I'll be a fat cow and a doormat. Wahoo! I'll be begging for my metabolism, the same one that I trashed and called names for so many years, to come back. Possibly with tears of desperation while eating a whole bag of delicious M&M's. Damn you metabolism, for all your past AND future transgressions. Damn you!


the negotiator

If I have one talent over any other, it's the ability to talk myself into or out of anything. The laundry needs to be taken to the laundromat?, nah I can squeeze one more day out of the lot and there's this tv show I barely like coming up.

On pretty much a daily basis I talk myself out of posting to this here blog. I sit around thinking about posting, maybe even conjure up something particularly witty, but the subconcious always wins in the end. So basically I'm very good at sabotaging myself. It's not really a healthy cycle.

Luckily, at least some of the time I can tell my subconcious, "Bitch, step off", and it crawls away grumbling something about getting me good next time. Whatever.


news at eleven

Why oh why must television be so deliciously steal my evenings from me. I know I should be more productive with my time, I know it, but I gotsta watch my stories! Reality tv? I've been there since the beginning. So I know who Eric Nies is, you wanna fight about it? Oh you do... I was kidding I'm sure.

Laughter is the ultimate instant gratification and I indulge, constantly. TV is my drug dealer. First you get a taste, whatever you can gather with a rickety antenna. Then comes basic cable and soon before you know it you've got a NASA monitoring station in your backyard. "Where did you say this channel was broadcast from?"

Thankfully, I've been too poor throughout my life to properly feed this addiction, and I refuse to sell my soul for anything. Unless South Park is going to be on. Damn South Park. Damn you.


procrastination nation

This is me trying to force myself to post something on this dang contraption. I know it will be beneficial and fulfilling for me to write my thoughts on here, but for some reason I consistently choose not to do so. I spend most of my days not posting to my blog. I think my problem is that I'm rarely inspired whilst sitting before my mezmerizing computer screen. My most genuine thoughts come while I'm driving in most cases, but since I value my life and don't want to pull over every few minutes, those thoughts usually go unrecorded.

I have never been good at working without a concrete task in mind. Wily teachers in high school would, every now and then, dole out the responsibility of choosing a topic on the student body. Imagine opening a dam and then trying to snatch a fish with your bare hands out of the raging currents. It's quite tough. So in response my mind has just gone into a pattern of sitting back until its absolutely necessary. Luckily for me, I'm fairly reliable under pressure.

It's harder to find reasons to go after fish in the current if you're just a bit peckish.

My name is Dan, and I am a procrastinator. (people in a circle clap, and then take a nap)


fata morgana

I want to live in a fairy tale so badly. So badly that sometimes I can convince myself that if I play my cards just right I can make it happen. Sometimes rainbows are so bright and bold and substantial that it really seems like you can find the spot where the colors touch the land. I need to start just enjoying the mirage for what it is and stop trying to get to this mythical place that doesn't exist except within my eye. There, I feel better already.


The first post...

... hopefully of many. Hello all.